Traditionally, cruising involved walking or driving around a public place in pursuit of a suitable partner for sex, usually of the anonymous, casual, once-off variety. However, in current times, the term cruising can be applied more broadly to include any gay man on the lookout for a suitable sex or romantic partner. As such, cruising is no longer limited to anonymous sex and one-night stands. Cruising sites include parks, shopping centres, university toilets, libraries, clubs, bars, gyms, parties, and in some cases, at work.

How to pick up a gay man

In cases where a simple glance won’t do, here are some tips to help you along the way when picking up a guy:

• Tone down your undesirable aspects. You need to try and come across as appealing as possible, so focus on maximizing your most desirable qualities. This may be your physical qualities, but are most definitely your personality traits. No one likes a pretentious loud mouth who appears completely self-absorbed and narrow-minded, for example.
• Don’t hide behind your inner fears. It is not your physical imperfections that stand in the way of you attracting that hot guy. It is your own feelings of inadequacy, and possible lack of social skills, that serve as a barrier. Everyone shares this to some degree or another. You have nothing to lose, so go for it.
• Practice by approaching a lot of guys. To get better at approaching guys you need to first get out of your shell (comfort zone). You need to get out there and strike up a conversation with many guys, without any expectation beyond a brief conversation. This is how you will learn and become more confident as you go along.
• Don’t hesitate. Nothing conveys indecision and nervousness like hesitation. Indecision and nervousness are not very attractive qualities. So practice the 3 second rule: approach your target in 3 seconds of seeing. If you take longer than 3 seconds than move on to your next target.
• Learn some approaches beforehand. These approaches are an excuse (any excuse) to strike up a conversation with someone: “How do I get back to the N1 from here”, “There is some lint on your collar”, “I noticed something about you…”, or “Do you come here often?” The easiest of all approaches is simply to smile and say “Hi”. Try and avoid overly clichéd pick up lines: “I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand”, or “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” This will only ruin your chances of continuing a meaningful conversation.
• Have an opener prepared. So, you’ve exchanged a few words. Now what? Well, you need to navigate from being a complete stranger to being someone he actually wants to talk to. In order to do that you need to have some openers prepared. These are conversational ploys that will draw your target in. Some examples include: “This guy I know…”, “Did you see those two guys fighting outside?”, or “The last time I was here…” The aim here is to get your target involved and keep him engaged until he gives signs of starting to relax.
• Display disinterested interest. He is likely to suspect that you are trying to pick him up. You need to keep him a bit off balance to give time for his attraction to develop. You can do this by continuing to talk in a friendly manner while pretending you are not really that interested sexually.
• Use compliments sparingly. Overt compliments (e.g., “I love your smile”) give away your attraction. Do this sparingly as you may lose your target.
• Demonstrate your social value. Don’t stop talking, but don’t just talk aimlessly. Learn to be funny and entertaining and cast yourself in a positive light in the stories you tell. Give him enough ammunition to allow himself to be attracted to you. When he is, you’ll see the signals in his eyes and body language that indicates his increasing interest.
• Touch. Touch early and often to get things going; but make sure your touches are discreet, motivated and purposeful, and not overt or annoying. As such, make fleeting gestures and not clamp your hand on ass and leave it there.
• Isolate, move, and keep developing rapport. Invite him to a quieter corner and then maybe outside for a breath of fresh air. This will enable you to focus more intently on one another.
• Follow up. Make arrangements for a date – sooner rather than later. For example: “Would you like to go for coffee tomorrow?”

A night club is a drinking, dancing and entertainment venue that does its primary business after dark. It is a place where people congregate and socialize. Clubbers usually pay a nominal entrance fee. Pubs and taverns on the other hand do not usually include a dance floor and DJ. There are also various social events that are available, such as a monthly party in a community hall or a private party.

Clubs, bars and private parties present an ideal space for gay men to:

• Meet up and socialize with one another;
• Find prospective partners;
• Escape from the stress and tension of their lives.

Research has shown that a number of risks are associated with these spaces. It is important that you are aware of these risks so that you can make appropriate decisions and party safely. Some of the risks include:

• Availability of alcohol and drugs. Remember that an overindulgence in alcohol or drugs can lead to an impairment in judgement, a decrease in inhibitions, an increase in sexual risk-taking, an increase in number of sexual partners, and an increase in the odds of engaging in unprotected sex. Use substances responsibly. Know your limits and avoid making choices you wouldn't otherwise make.
• Overt or covert sexual undertone. Many of these spaces project a very strong sexual undertone. Combine this undertone with available alcohol and drugs and you are likely to find that your inhibitions go out the window and sex becomes prioritized above all other forms of relating and connecting.
• Negative peer norms. In order to fit in, many feel the pressure to behave in a manner similar to their peers (“I must do this because everyone else seems to be doing this”). In this context, there are very strong pressures placed on individuals to use substances and to act out their sexual urges without hesitation. As such, the above-mentioned risks are channeled together via peer pressure. To go against this is to risk being branded an outsider. Not to hook-up means the possibility of being seen as a loser. Add alcohol and drugs and you are likely to give in to the pressure.

The aim is not to dissuade you from being with others but rather to make you aware of the risk factors involved, so that you can make more informed choices about the various forces at play.

Online dating or virtual hook-ups is an internet-based system, which allows individuals to make immediate contact with each other, with the objective of making friends, meeting for casual sex, or developing a personal romantic and sexual relationship. These sites generally require that you establish a profile (consisting of personal information, interests, and personal preferences). Once established, you are free to browse and interact with others. Some of these sites are free.

The Benefits of online dating

• You can meet and greet others without leaving the comfort of your home, this is especially useful if you are shy and don’t have the social skills to just walk up to someone and start up a conversation;
• The internet is available 24 hours a day, which is a great alternative to bars and clubs that operate only a few hours a week;
• It is a great way to increase your circle of contacts, thus increasing your chances of finding someone compatible;
• It is a great way to find exactly what you are looking for, by enabling you to be more direct and get to the point of what you are wanting;
• By dating online, you can go as fast or as slow as you are comfortable with;
• You can get to know a whole lot more about the person, as people generally feel less threatened online and are therefore more likely to open up and share more about themselves without feeling exposed;
• For the frugally minded, this is a more cost-effective method of meeting and getting to know many people.

The Risks of online dating

• The person you are communicating with may not be honest about who he is or what he looks like;
• The person you are communicating with may be a scam artist trying to get personal information out of you so that he may use it to his benefit;
• The person you are communicating with may be a physical danger to you.

Tips and Strategies for online dating

• Listen to your gut. If something feels suspicious or does not seem right to you then maybe it is a sign for you to move on. Trust what your instincts are telling you.
• Never give out personal information to soon. Rather play it safe and give out your number once you have met the person and are comfortable doing so.
• When meeting for the first time, ensure that it is in a public place. Never invite the person to your house or go to their house on your first or second meet. The more public it is the better.

Recent research conducted by OUT suggests that many gay men experience:

• Isolation  and loneliness;
• Depression and guilt;
• Self-directed shame and doubt;
• Low self-esteem and respect;
• Persistent negative self-images.

For them, connection, affirmation, belonging, excitement, and escapism become tantamount. Social spaces, with available alcohol and drugs, to a large degree cater to these needs. However, this is for the most part a temporary solution for what is essentially a deep-seated ongoing need. This becomes especially clear once the party is over and the individual must return to his life and face his own reality the next day. Beyond the limitations of these social spaces, the use of sex has become a temporary solution for many. For them, sex, whether brief or not, is seen as a form of connection with others and a temporary relief from internal pain. However, this form of connection and relief also does not last long for many.

As such, there appears to be a need for a space that speaks to the wellbeing needs of most. A space where they can go, feel they are a part of something, feel better about themselves, and internalize improved ways of living. A space where people can connect, and be themselves, without the harmful effects of alcohol, drugs and negative peer norms. The Prism Lifestyle Centre has been developed exactly with this in mind (link to Prism Webpage) and promises to be everything you’ve ever wanted…and more!

Sex clubs are venues where adventurous people can have sex with one another in “public” areas. The term can also be used more generally to refer to establishments, such as steam rooms, where sexual activity may take place in private rooms. Larger establishments may also include the facilities of an ordinary nightclub such as a bar and a dance floor. Sex club customers pay a nominal fee to enter the private club, but do not pay for sex. They have sex with other customers rather than with staff of the establishment.

When you frequent sex clubs make sure you are prepared. Remember, it’s your choice, do what’s right for you, and have fun. Perhaps go with a trusted friend your first time. Remember to go slow on the alcohol and drugs. An overindulgence in alcohol or drugs can lead to an impairment in judgement, a decrease in inhibitions, an increase in sexual risk-taking, an increase in number of sexual partners, and an increase in the odds of engaging in unprotected sex. Use substances responsibly. Know your limits and avoid making choices you wouldn't otherwise make.
There is also a growing group of private sex clubs that do not operate in a specified location. These organizations focus on private parties in homes or rented facilities and make use of the Internet to build their membership. There is usually a small door fee and most are invitation-only. Safety is important. As such use word of mouth where possible before attending a particular party.