Well-being

Physical, emotional, sexual and economic abuse is not uncommon in many relationships and can occur in gay relationships. Abuse could roughly be defined as an inappropriate manipulation of power by one person over another, usually within a relationship in which there is a disparity in strength or resources, coupled with high levels of dependence. Abuse can take many forms, sometimes being quite obvious in nature and at other times being subtle and insidious.

• Physical abuse by a partner is defined as assault (when abuse is extreme), or attack (in lesser forms of abuse). A slap, a punch or being beaten-up all fall into this category and represent an obvious exertion of physical power, no matter what the reason for the abuse.
• Emotional abuse can be, perhaps, the most insidious and subtle form of abuse. It usually takes the form of devaluing a partner through subtle digs at them – sometimes taking the form of ‘it was only a joke’ – or through swearing at and insulting a partner. Its impact is to erode the self-esteem of the partner who often comes to feel useless and powerless within the relationship.
• Sexual abuse relates to unwanted sexually-aggressive behaviour that can take the form of sexual assault, recurrent infidelity and exposure to sexual diseases through sexually risky behaviour on the part of one of the partners.
• Economic abuse exists where two partners have disparate financial resources and one of the partners manipulates the other through money and possessions, effectively controlling spending, leaving the other partner dependent in an unhealthy way for survival.
• More often than not, these forms of abuse occur together. They can be one-sided or can be mutual, with both partners being victim and perpetrator within the relationship. Whether a victim or a perpetrator or both, therapy is highly recommended.

So, what should you do if you’re a victim?

• Seek psychological help and guidance.
• Seek legal advice, if necessary.
• Have your partner arrested if he assaults you physically.
• Leave the relationship if it does not change.
• Enter therapy with someone who can guide through the process of leaving, if you can’t do it on your own.
• Tell people about it, so that you are not alone in your situation.

Abuse perpetuates itself. Promises that it won’t happen again are rarely ever true or carried through. Men who abuse will likely continue to do so, if they do not receive proper intervention. Sadly, not all men can be helped. The question then becomes “can you put up with the abuse the rest of your life?”

Are you constantly biting off peoples’ heads? Is your loved one screaming and shouting all the time? Is aggressiveness becoming a problem for yourself or for other people in your life? Do you know yourself or remember yourself to be ‘an angry person’? Chances are you may not have even have noticed that you have problems controlling your anger and that other people have a problem with this. People may be avoiding you or walking on eggshells around you.

Different men have different underlying reasons for their lack of control of anger. In our society, men are encouraged to not express depression and often find a more suitable route for their depression through anger and aggression. For some men, the inappropriate expression of anger is a dysregulation (a big word that means he can’t control himself properly) of anger, often coming out as explosive, even violent at times. Usually, this anger is paired with other ‘problems’ like impulsivity, constant problems in relationships with partners, friends and colleagues (usually disruptive, short-lived, easily discarded relationships) and a history of being very difficult.

No matter what the reason for the problems with anger, there are no short-term easy answers on how to manage anger and therapy is usually needed to find more enduring solutions for the underlying reasons for it. Although anger is a natural response, it becomes dangerous and hurtful often in the name of expressing a feeling or being honest; appropriate anger is expressed as assertiveness or as irritation or as anger, but not as rage, violence, physical harm or self-harm. Oddly, aggressive people are not assertive and often confuse the two things: assertiveness is setting an appropriate boundary, it is not the transgression of someone else boundary.

Some things to try, if you feel your anger responses are not too extreme:

• Relaxation and meditation can be useful in stilling your mind; breathing exercise and yoga can be a compliment to this.
• Stop and recount your actions and thoughts, aim to rethink the situation logically, as logic is anger’s worst enemy. Pinpoint extremes in your thinking such as ‘always’, ‘never’ and ‘whenever’. Question the proof in front of you for why you are angry and think whether your anger is proportionate to the issue at hand.
• Solve problems, don’t make them worse. Although anger can be appropriate and even justified, it can be destructive and make things worse. Solving problems takes calmness and sensibility.
• Learn to express your feelings healthily through creativity, exercise and refine communication skills.
• Deflect your anger by finding the humour in situations, rather than taking the route of the victim or the aggressor (two states that often underscore aggressive responses).
• Balance your life with exercise, time management, stress-relief and self-care.
• Rid you world of unnecessary irritations such as dirty surroundings or messy desks or whatever else you feel bothers you and that you can control.
• Avoid things, people and places that fuel your anger, but remember that it is still YOUR anger and no-one causes it. Anger is an internal response that we can control if we try, no-one plants it in us.

Remember that anger is not aggression and if people are describing you as aggressive, they’re probably right.

If you’re struggling to sleep well, are constantly grinding your teeth, feeling physically tense and drinking more than usual, read on. These are only some of the signs of anxiety that might indicate something is not right. Not all anxiety is destructive or unhealthy; sometimes, we need anxiety to facilitate things like public speaking or bungy-jumping. However, anxiety can become pervasive and destructive; stopping us from doing the things we want to do. High levels of anxiety can be like a constant state of stress resulting in physical symptoms such as headaches and illness. People who are anxious are often described as ‘busy’, ‘never sitting still’, ‘always on the move’, but can also seem depressed, lacking energy and being immobilised by their fear and anxiety.

Although we live everyday with anxiety, it can reach intense proportions and can have various faces. It can be generalised, often affecting sleep patterns and energy levels – feeling tired from not being able to sleep because your mind is racing or will not quiet down. It can be specific and relate to a current event or to a fear of something like spiders and snakes. The degree of the anxiety can be described by the effect it has on your life: sleep patterns are disturbed, an increase or decrease in appetite coupled with disturbances in bodily function, a constant feeling of alertness and an inability to be still, tiredness, lack of energy, lack of motivation, snappiness and other similar things that hamper fuller and happier living.

It should be said that anxiety can be linked to depression and can ebb and flow as depression rises and falls. Not all anxiety needs medication, but psychotherapy and balanced living can go a far way to alleviating the impact of anxiety in your life. Some steps to follow if you think you’re more anxious than you should be:

• Ask yourself if it’s situational or on-going.
• The answer to this will tell you whether you need therapy or not. Some situations (break-ups, job loss or interviews) can benefit from therapy as much as on-going issues (long-standing anxiety, anxiety created by childhood issues such as abuse) can. Phobias definitely need psychotherapy.
• Before you consider medication, ask yourself whether you should first try working through it with a professional psychologist who can judge your suitability to trying medication. For the record, medication is easier than therapy, but does not provide a long-term solution.
• Consider whether increased exercise (cardiovascular exercise in the mornings) and balanced diet can contribute to shifting some of your anxiety. Consulting a psychologist and a dietician in this regard may prove worth the visit.
  • Ask yourself whether your life is imbalanced or disharmonious.
• Consider meditation as an accompaniment to other measures you try (although, it can be very hard to meditate if your anxiety is very high – practice makes perfect).

Untreated anxiety can become worse over time and, if left too long, can become disastrous, especially as you approach midlife. Treat it sooner rather than later.

In the closet? Got one foot out the closet? Or are you completely out and proud? Whether in or out the proverbial closet, each of us are confronted by the issue of ‘coming out’ at some point, to our friends, family, co-workers, doctor, neighbour etc. ‘Coming out’ simply means being open about who we are with ourselves and with others – even when it isn’t easy. For many, the thought of ‘coming out’ can be a terrifying experience, especially if from a conservative and deeply religious background (see risks below). But the good news is that most gay men ‘come out’ quite successfully and receive more acceptance than they ever anticipated (see benefits below). Ultimately, the choice to ‘come out’ is an individual one that is based on a careful consideration of the risks and benefits to you personally. It is important to know that ‘coming out’ is a process and not a once-off event. Gay men are thus constantly confronted by the question of whether to ‘come out’ to a particular person. There are a few suggestions to help you in this process (see suggestions below).

The Risks of ‘Coming Out’

These include:

• Not everyone will be understanding or accepting.
• Family, friends or co-workers may be shocked, confused or even hostile.
• Some relationship may permanently change or end.
• We may experience harassment or discrimination.
• Some young people, especially those under 18 or financially dependent on others, may be thrown out of their homes or lose financial support from parents.

The Benefits of ‘Coming Out’

These include:

• Living an open and integrated (whole) life.
• Developing closer, more genuine relationships. 
• Building self-esteem from being known and loved for who we really are.
• Reducing the stress of hiding our identity or living a double life.
• Connecting with others who are gay.
• Being part of a strong and vibrant community.
• Helping to dispel myths and stereotypes about who LGBT people are and what our lives are like.
• Becoming a role model for others.
• Making it easier for younger LGBT people who will follow in our footsteps.

Suggestions for ‘Coming Out’

These include:

• Safety first. It is extremely critical for you to consider your own safety first before ‘coming out’.
• Timing is important. It is very important to consider when and where you plan to come out.
• Take your time. When deciding to ‘come out’ it is advisable to take some time to become secure with your identity, to identify suitable people to ‘come out’ to, and to carefully consider the possible consequences of ‘coming out’ to these people. Being true to yourself is a great thing, but you need to be realistic about your environment.
• Choose the right person. When choosing whom to ‘come out’ to first, it is important that you select someone whom you can trust, and is supportive. This person must be able to respect your privacy and show an appreciation for your safety. He or she should be the least likely to be shocked, threatened or put off by your ‘revelation’. You need someone who is a good listener, and is non-judgemental.
• Test the waters. It is often better that you test the waters first by ‘coming out’ to a supportive teacher, colleague or close friend before talking to your parents. This will provide you with good practice for what you will want to say and how you will handle negative feedback. It is also preferable to test the waters by seeing what people’s general opinions of gay and lesbian people are before you disclose to them. See how they feel about gay and lesbian developments that have been given media coverage. This is often helpful in terms of giving you an idea of their feelings and opinions before actually telling them about yourself.
• Be prepared for questions. Be prepared to answer a lot of questions. It is therefore advisable for you to consider how much information you already have, how much you still need, and how much you are willing to share. Try to think of all the possible questions you might be asked, and then try to think of all the possible answers to these questions.
• Be prepared for emotional responses. It is important for you to keep in mind that there is no way you can guess the exact responses your family, friends or colleagues will give you. There are a variety of responses, which may range from shock, anger, sadness, guilt and denial to acceptance, curiosity, support, understanding and love. It is often the case that the family may also experience a process of coming out themselves, in the sense that they have to let their friends and other family members know. This is a very difficult process for the family. Keeping this in mind, you should try to be realistic about the reactions you may encounter. You need to decide for yourself whether you will be able to handle the different responses you may encounter. It might be advisable to consult with a counsellor who might be able to assist them in the process of acceptance.
• Be aware of subversive tactics. You should be aware that some negative reactions are often attempts to make you get back into the closet. Examples include: “Look how you are hurting me”, “You are only doing this to hurt me”, and “Do you know what this is doing to us?”. You should make it clear that you are not doing this to hurt anyone. You are simply doing this because of the hurt you feel by having to hide and be what you are not. The intention is not to cause pain but rather to bring about healing.
• Practice and rehearse. It is advisable that you prepare yourself adequately before you come out to someone. You need to prepare yourself for what you want to say, how you will respond to questions or negative reactions, and how you will conduct yourself if your safety becomes an issue. Psychologists often recommend rehearsing in front of the mirror or with a counsellor. This activity provides you with an excellent opportunity to physically prepare yourself on how you want to conduct your disclosure. This also brings about preparation through repetition. You should also realise that the questioning you encounter can be extremely stressful, especially when you feel the need to defend or justify yourself to those people closest to you.
• Be clear. It might also be advisable for you to make it clear to your friends and family that you are gay that this is not going to change. You need to make it clear that this is not just a phase. The reason for this is that if the person you are disclosing to gets the feeling that there might be a possibility of change, they will not accept your sexual orientation and will keep hoping for change. Make it clear that you have been through a process of self-questioning and you are now at a place where you are able to share your self-knowledge with others.
• Be OK if things don’t go according to plan. If your disclosure does not go according to plan, you should not take it personally and see it as a failure. Do not be too harsh or too critical on yourself. Sometimes we have to admit to ourselves that we don’t always have control over everything.
• Chat to a professional. If you do not know someone you can safely come out to, you should then consider talking to a school counselor, a gay-friendly therapist, or a trained counselor at a gay and lesbian organisation.
• Get support if necessary. Do not be afraid to access and make use of support and legal services should the need ever arise. Support groups can serve to reduce anxiety and reduce feelings of isolation. On the other hand, legal advice could be sought to understand and enforce one’s rights.

Are you struggling to get your point across? Are you not always successful in talking to your partner, friends or work colleagues? Do you sometimes feel no-one is listening? Well, communication skills might seem simple for some people, but they’re not always so easy for everyone. What makes a good communicator? Many things do, but the prime factor is the ability to listen actively and effectively, while being able to communicate clearly, consistently and calmly. Let’s break that down differently then. Good communication skills in relationships have the following characteristics:

• Compromise – the aim should be to find a way to agree so that both parties are able to live with the situation. Communicating well simply to get your own way is abusive; it’s not effective as a form of communication.
• Respect – having some respect for the other person’s point of view and being able to hear that point of view as being equal to your own facilitates smoother compromise and a dual interaction in which both people will feel heard and valued.
• Individualism – everyone thinks differently and has a different point of view. It is essential to understand the other person’s opinion, principle, belief or value from their point of view. For example, it is more respectful to understand a religious Catholic’s view on abortion from a Catholic point of view as that person holds it. The art of listening is an active act of participation in which you have to make an effort to ‘get it’ and have no assumptions at all about another person’s position or world view.
• Equality and autonomy – always err on the side that your partner has the right to decide for himself and that his right is equal to yours. This is a fundamental part of effective communication as it relates to understanding the other person’s needs and to recognising that their needs are no less or more important than your own.
• Attentiveness – listen to what your partner is saying, not to what you want to hear. Be open to his point of view and to the content of what he is saying. Open body language and a willingness to listen are themselves communication that the other person will pick up. Turning your back while someone talks says more then you might think. Face someone and make eye contact and make it clear that you are willing to listen and to understand.
• Active listening – find the thread of what your partner is saying and ask questions about it in order to understand it, not to judge it. Listen with the view of exploring your partner’s position. Be curious.
• No judgment - there is rarely a right or wrong when it comes to an opinion. If you’re curious and concerned about your partner, then judging his argument becomes harder.
• Clarity and consistency – say what you mean and mean what you say. Be gentle in what and how you say it. Just because you might think that blatant truth works for you, does not translate into it working for him. If you hear someone say “I’m just telling the truth” or “It’s just how I am” in response to insensitive and cruel behaviour and conversation, reconsider how well you know him. Often these kinds of phrases are ways of covering over what is blatantly cruel and insensitive.
• Empathy – understanding is not agreeing or approving. Empathy is a way of understanding your partner’s point of view even if you disagree or disapprove.

Communication is a delicate dance in which both partners lead at different times.

Depression has become a more known and better-understood psychiatric disorder in the past few decades. Unfortunately, we use the word all too easily when we casually say ‘I’m feeling depressed’. It can vary in severity from mild to very severe, with people unable to function at work or in their private lives when it is at its worst. But in its milder forms it can involve a low and flat mood for several days or weeks, where negative thoughts (about self, the world and others) are common, combined with a lack of energy, excessive or inadequate sleep, increased or decreased appetite, thoughts of suicide (not all the time), a lack of motivation, decreased pleasure in activities you normally enjoy (sports, sex or a hobby) and, occasionally, a lack of libido (but, often people can still get it up and have sex).

Depression in its various forms should not be ignored. Medication is usually helpful for more severe forms of depression, but ongoing psychotherapy is useful and necessary for all forms of depression EVEN when medication is being taken. Often, depression and anxiety can be linked to other problems like substance abuse and addiction, eating disorders (such as compulsive eating) and relationship problems.

Do not leave depression untreated. The more severe depression becomes, the higher the risk of suicide. Suicide is also possible in cases when the depression begins to lift (as energy levels begin to increase). If you or your loved one is living with depression, turn to the resources around you: family, friends, therapists, religious support etc.

Forgiveness is so much more than saying sorry or ‘getting over it’. True forgiveness is difficult and hard to achieve. We simplify forgiveness with such phrases as ‘forgive and forget’ or ‘get over yourself’ or ‘it’s all in the past’, but truth is it’s not so easy to forgive. We bear grudges against people, feel hate for people, are angry with our parents for childhood wrongs, feel bitter towards friends who have hurt us. None of these are wrong or bad, but they can become unhealthy if we hold onto our hate, anger and bitterness. It can become like a festering sore.

Forgiveness is not possible without understanding. Recognising the elements and aspects of the situation about which you feel anger, hate and resentment is more important than the forgiveness itself. By working through some of these bits and pieces, it becomes easier to forgive, easier to forget even; however, forgiveness without learning and growing is not worth much. ‘Forgiving’ your boyfriend for beating you may be okay the first time, but doing so time and time again implies that it’s not true forgiveness as you have not learned that he will do it again. It is truly through our own deep-seated growth that we can forgive and learn the fruits of our compassion.

Should all wrongs be forgiven? Should they be forgiven face-to-face? That’s hard to judge. But lack of forgiveness does hold us back. It retards our own growth. It does not always have to be face-to-face, it can be in your own mind. It can be about things of which the other person knows nothing. Sometimes, we bear grievances which are in our minds because of our own issues and are not derived from intentional harm on the part of someone else. In part, forgiveness is about self-understanding and separating out ‘what is my stuff?’ from ‘what is your stuff?’ In arguments with our partners and friends, we should ask ‘what is mine to bear in this?’, ‘do I have blame in this?’, ‘am I being a victim?’.

That said, long-standing issues arising out of such things aschildhood abuse, neglect in childhood, and divorce and separation are better served through therapeutic intervention, whether individual therapy, group therapy or support groups. The issue of forgiveness in these situations is more complex and difficult and marks the achievement of a goal in a process. It would be true to say that forgiveness, generally, is not an act, it’s a process and one that can only be achieved by dealing with the issues at hand, not pretending all is okay.

Yes, that’s right, sometimes we share the prejudice we think the world throws at us. Internalised homophobia is the discomfort and prejudice we feel toward other gay men and towards ourselves. Sometimes, it is expressed through self-loathing and an internal discomfort and shame about one’s our sexual orientation. Often, the negative views we hold about homosexuality are carbon copies of the prejudice we perceive in the outside world, but its most harmful effect is on our own self-respect and self-esteem.

Put differently, it is when we think we’re terrible because we’re gay and then act accordingly by limiting our life experiences, making less of our same-sex relationships and undervaluing our uniqueness. Internalised homophobia is an emotional cancer that erodes our identities and the self-worth we could feel as gay people. It’s not easy to overcome, but it is definitely worth beating if you wish to live a fuller life as a gay person.

Here are some questions to help you assess the extent of your own internalised homophobia:

• Do you feel the need to hide your sexual orientation from your friends and family?
• Do you feel the need to hide your sexual orientation at work
• Do you feel uncomfortable with public displays of affection (e.g., holding hands, hugging or kissing)?
• Do you cringe when you see two other men kissing or holding hands in public?
• Do you feel the need to be “straight acting”?
• Do you sometimes feel ashamed of who you are?
• Do you compare yourself to other men and sometimes feel that you are not masculine enough?
• Would you feel embarrassed about taking a same-sex partner with you to a heterosexual wedding or event?
• Do you sometimes feel that you are a sinner because of your sexual orientation?
• Do you constantly feel the need to prove yourself?

A “yes” answer to any of these questions may be a sign of internalised homophobia.

Here are some thoughts on how to manage your internalised homophobia:

• Reflect on your own value system, your beliefs and your world view. Ask questions about why you believe what you believe, not just about being gay, but about religion, about relationships, about happiness and about many other aspects of your own life. Explore where they come from and what role they play in living your best life possible.
• Give some thought to whether you believe people have a fundamental right to life and equality.
• Understand your own sense of shame and guilt about being gay, about perhaps being something your parents don’t want you to be, about having a sexual orientation that goes against what you thought you wanted to be. Once you understand this, begin a process of challenging these negative feelings.
• Accept and celebrate your life and your uniqueness. Be yourself.
• Get involved. Attend pride marches, volunteer at an LGBTI organisation or become an activist and stand up for our rights.
• Challenge friends, family and colleagues who make jokes or prejudiced remarks against LGBTI people.

So, you want to get married? The freedom to marry is a recent achievement for the gay and lesbian community. For some, marriage is not an option worth considering; for others it is an option that means everything. The truth about marriage is that it is not as easy as it appears. Gay people are increasingly entering marriage at a time when ‘divorce’ rates are on the rise. Marriage can’t be taken lightly; it has all sorts of consequences that have to be carefully considered.

Consider pre-marriage couple’s therapy as a place to start questioning whether you wish to get married. It is important to ask ‘why am I wanting to get to married?’, ‘why am I wanting to marry this person?’ and ‘why am I wanting to marry this person now in my life?’ Start to develop a sense of the importance of this person in your life and whether this person can be trustworthy, reliable, respectful, and a host of other values that you wish to have in another person (good sex is NOT a sufficient criteria). Ask yourself if this is someone who shares your values and basic principles and whether you can envisage spending the rest of your lives together. Consider the possibility that you do NOT know someone well enough to get married (no matter how well you may think you know them) and ask yourself what you should know about them in order to make such an important decision.

Possibly the hardest question to answer is the following: ‘what do you know of your partner?’ (as opposed to ‘what do you know about them?’). When asked, we can tell our friends many things we know about our partners, but it’s often harder to think of our sense of them or what we intuitively understand about them without them telling us. It may be our sense of their consistency, kindness, trustworthiness, respectfulness, sense of mutuality and equality, their basic belief in the fundamental right to respect and dignity for all others or whatever else it is that we pick up about them. No-one is ever completely consistent or totally predictable, or even totally knowable, for that matter. No matter how well you think you know someone, there is always more to learn about them. Consider the contradictions and inconsistencies about your loved one, marriage is not a fairy tale, its hard work; but hard work that can be well worth the effort.

Meditation is not for everyone, but don’t knock it until you’ve tried it. Meditation and relaxation techniques are valuable and can be exercised almost anywhere, anytime. If you can get into it, there is much to learn from having a quiet mind.

Yoga and transcendental meditation are only two of many places where meditation can be learned and practiced in a disciplined way. Truth is that devout prayer can be a form of meditation too. Ritualistically practiced activities like prayer, meditation, yoga, the lighting of candles, creative activities and many other activities form the basis and substance of what meditation can aim to achieve. People need rituals and we all have them, whether it’s about what we eat, how we eat, our hygiene routines prayer, our route to work or the way we greet people. There are countless rituals and these are always present.

Routine and structure help us to create predictability and consistency in our life, something that gives us space for spontaneity, humour and other important parts of living. Meditation-type activities allows us to structure a spiritual and emotional world around quiet space and a space that is truly all your own. Creative endeavours can do the same thing: ask a painter or musician how painting or playing the piano can feel like an altered state of consciousness. Dancing and other forms of bodily expression can take you away from the current world into a space that feels healing and regenerating.

It is the idea of regenerating and healing that is the link between meditation, spirituality and creativity. We all need to regenerate in a busy world and find a place to recharge batteries. We all need to find ways to express our feelings and to silence our minds. It’s part of taking care of ourselves and of our relationships too.

Having one committed partner in a settled, long-term relationship has worked for millennia – REALLY, it has! The significance of monogamy in our world today is that it creates safety and certainty within a relationship, allowing both partners to jointly work toward a lasting, loving, fulfilling union. The benefits of monogamy are emotional safety, created by trust and respect for a partner; health, brought about by the reduced exposure to HIV/AIDS and other sexual transmitted infections; and economic stability as a necessary part of a mutual relationship.

But, what does all that mean? Monogamy is a way of contributing to the creation and maintenance of a healthy relationship that stands a chance of surviving for a long time; it’s not the only ingredient though. Monogamy is a promise that implies commitment, trust and perseverance, all of which are basic cornerstones of a strong relationship.

Perhaps some quick thoughts on five aspects of monogamy might be useful:

• Mutuality – this allows partners to know the boundaries and limits of themselves in relationship and the limits of their relationship. It is common these days to hear of ‘open relationships’ in gay circles; it has even become everyday to hear of these being successful. Perhaps, the success of such relationships should not be judged by whether the relationship survives, but by the extent of emotional and loving commitment that partners hold toward each other. The idea of an ‘open relationship’ can at times cover up pure promiscuity and risky behaviour, both of which can be detrimental to the soul of a long-term relationship.
• Commitment – an on-going renewal of the idea of ‘being there, no matter what’. Commitment is the faith that you can expect someone to stand by you through whatever life brings, while it creates the expectation on the part of your partner that the same applies. Another way of looking at it is that we can assume that when the going gets tough, we will know who loves us.
• Trust – the million dollar ingredient! Knowing who and how far we can trust someone gives us a sense of inner safety and security within our relationship. Not knowing what your partner does behind your back can be unnerving and devastating. Moreover, this is about fundamental trust, truly trusting someone with your life; is it really possible to do that with someone who is having sex with others in a world of HIV/AIDS?
• Perseverance – always tying to build and work on the relationship, even when times get tough or the relationship is in a funk. It is not about tolerating nonsense, but it is about sitting through the hard times and understanding that your significant other may need support and constant love.
• Equality – you both have the right to a predictable, loving relationship, one which exists through time, unthreatened by the presence of other sexual partners and the risk of disease.

It’s easy to be ‘moralistic’ about monogamy, but the issue is one of true self-respect and respect for the person you love. If a relationship is not fulfilling, the question is not necessarily ‘who can give me fulfilment?’, but rather ‘why is this relationship not working for me and what am I contributing to that situation?’

Ever wondered why you find yourself doing the same thing with different people, over and over again? Sometimes wonder why you attract the same men or keep finding the same sorts of friends? Are you playing out the same script in which you’re an actor with a new cast each time? Repeating patterns that hold similar disappointments? The same heartaches?

Human beings repeat patterns, it’s what we do. We find the same sorts of boyfriends; men who initially seem so different to the last one, but, over time, similarities come to the fore that leave us bewildered and confused. Sometimes, the patterns are positive, but we rarely notice them unless we’re unhappy, jarred or disappointed. Long-standing patterns from our childhood leave us creating repetitions that subtly or overtly seem unavoidable. If you’re asking “how did I get here again?”, you’re dealing with a script. It’s like the same play keeps playing out, you keep taking the same lead role, but the other actors change faces, but not parts.
We all have scripts and they are REALLY hard to break.

Sometimes, they’re even hard to see or recognise. Sometimes, they’re so subtle we don’t even know we’re doing them until they blow up, melt down or spill over. Therapy can be an effective method of re-working these negative scripts.

Perhaps, one of the gay community’s least visible groups are those who have children. We sometimes forget that families can take on various forms, from being single-parent families to families that have two dads or two moms. These families can originate from previous heterosexual relationships or can be a result of artificial insemination, surrogacy or adoption.  To a large extent, these ‘rainbow’ families and homes are challenging our very own perceptions of the gay lifestyle.

Despite widespread condemnation of gay and lesbian parents, studies are starting to show that children raised by gay and lesbian parents fare as well in emotional, cognitive, social and sexual functioning as do children whose parents are heterosexual.
If starting your own ‘rainbow’ family, it is important that you consider the following:

• It is easier to raise children in a stable two-parent home (if you prefer exhaustion, chronic lack of sleep, on-going irritability, lack of a social and sex life and many hours of nappies and burping, then single-parent adoption is the answer for you). Children need adult role-models and the more of them there are that are healthy, consistent and loving, the better it will be for the child.
• Financially, children are expensive to maintain. Consider things like school fees, clothing and food and other things that are essential to living, as well as things that add to quality of life such as toys, holidays and the like.
• Having a solid social support system is always helpful. Even if you are in a partnership, having parents and friends who can support you individually and support you as a family will make for a happier home in which to raise your child.
• Adopting someone else’s child can be stressful; consider how you’re going to deal with this issue when your child grows up;
• Cross-racial issues are a reality in South Africa and can still raise eyebrows; ask yourself how you will handle that and how you will find ways to protect your child from some of it.

Having children enriches a relationship and creates a bigger sense of family than being in a couple permits. It is increasingly becoming an option and a choice for many gay people.

We are all confronted by difficult problems in life that require a solution or at least a way of coping. For example: losing your job, getting into debt or being discriminated against. Most people react to these types of problems in an unhelpful and unhealthy manner:

• become overwhelmed and stressed;
• engage in denial and avoidance tactics;
• become angry or depressed;
• project their responsibility onto others;
• engage in maladaptive behaviours, such as drug-taking or promiscuity;
• resort to self-blame and criticism; and
• react impulsively.

There are, however, other healthier ways of approaching a particular problem. Here are a few points to help you along the way:

• Challenge your assumptions – don’t let your assumptions limit your possible solutions;
• Break big problems down into smaller ones – identify the different aspects to a particular problem and then address each aspect individually. This will ensure that the problem is no longer overwhelming and will help to motivate you;
• Ask 3 people for their opinions and advice – this will help you to reflect on your available options and will ensure that you have not overlooked anything obvious;
• Write down the problem – sometimes things make more sense when we write them down. This will help you get an overview of a particular problem, the causes or triggers of that problem, as well as some brainstorming of all the possible solutions and likely consequences.
• Consider the pros and cons – when brainstorming all your available options, consider the pros and cons to help you make the best possible choice;
• Look at it from someone else’s perspective – pretend you are a stranger and take another look at the problem and available options. In this way you can take an objective view of the problem and possibly develop a fresh perspective.

Male-on-male rape is rarely reported in South Africa. Often its silence comes from the shame men feel from having been raped, overpowered and/or humiliated by another man. This shame touches on feelings about being a man and carries the pressure to be strong and powerful, both of which are undone by the rape. Usually, male-on-male rape occurs in institutional settings such as prisons and hostels, but it has occasionally occurred as part of homophobic attacks on gay men and in certain circumstances by a minority of gay men themselves.

This serious issue carries much trauma and the risk of infection of HIV and other sexually transmitted infections. Physical damage to the anus and surrounding areas can be painful and might need extensive surgery and medical care. Male-on-male rape is usually forceful and violent. Both immediate medical and psychological care and follow-up are extremely important and should not be delayed; post-exposure prophylactic anti-retroviral therapy – pills to stop the potential infection by HIV – MUST be taken as soon as possible after the attack.

The shame and humiliation can lead to secrecy and the perpetuation of shame, creating a vicious cycle that reinforces the traumatic aspect of being raped. This is an unnecessary extra chunk of emotional pain and suffering that can be avoided in the long-run. The emotional consequences of rape can destroy trust in men and in subsequent relationships; it can also affect your sexual life by inhibiting desire, orgasm and sexual performance generally. Therapy is an essential after being raped as the trauma should not be left untreated psychologically.

As humans, we seek relationship all the time, whether with friends, family or romantic and sexual partners. It’s almost like we are programmed to seek relationships and to be in them, always trying to make sense of them, figuring them out, wanting love and fulfilment in them. It’s what we do; we can’t avoid it. With any luck (and lots of hard work), we find healthy relationships in which we grow, mutually experience new things about ourselves and build something that we call love and happiness. But, because they are so central in our lives, they can also become difficult and conflicted and be the source of our heartache and distress.

Healthy relationships are created through constant, consistent and honest communication in which the needs of both partners are equally and unequivocally valued and negotiated. Relationships are not a state of being, they are an ongoing process that needs work and effort. Healthy relationships, whether with friends, partners, family or work colleagues, are respectful and mutual, have firm foundations of honesty and commitment, and involve interactions that rarely leave one person feeling robbed or cheated. Healthy relationships also make you feel secure and inspired to live your best life possible.

So, how can you try to create healthy relationships? What are the keys to such relationships?

• Respect the privacy and autonomy of others;
• Understand that their opinion is just that, an opinion. It’s not a condemnation or curtailment of yours. Similarly, your opinion is just that too, an opinion. You don’t necessarily have to agree but should try to accept where each other is coming from;
• Be aware of the other person’s feelings, they really do matter and violating them (or being violated yourself) does not help to build relationships easily. Be sensitive, noting that appropriate reparation (saying “I’m sorry” and meaning it) goes a far way to building and fixing your relationships;
• Communicate clearly with the other person. Say what you need (not what you want) and wait for a response. No-one is obliged to give you what you need, so feeling entitled to it will only lead to trouble. However, the closer the relationship, the more important having your needs met becomes. Meeting someone else’s needs is usually a compromise (not a sacrifice).
• Everyone works on a different time line and makes sense of things differently. As humans, we tend to think that the way we do things is the best way to do them. But this is not necessarily the case.
• There is no such thing as “only this person can meet my needs”. Not even in the healthiest relationship can the other person give you everything you need. It is better to meet our emotional needs with different people; placing that load on one person is hardly fair on or do-able for them.

In our stressful world, self care is sometimes hard to maintain, but it is essential. But what does self care mean? Basically it means taking care of your self across many dimensions, including the physical, the emotional and the spiritual.

On a physical level, you could consider the following:

• Healthy and sufficient food intake – make sure you eat enough healthy food, with high levels of nutrition. Avoid excessive alcohol and stay away from substances that leave your body tired and worn (drugs, cigarettes and caffeine might be some of these).
• Exercise – frequent exercise has the ability to calm you and to produce endorphins which are connected to well-being.
• Hygiene – make sure you take care of your body, thereby reducing the risk of infections and disease.
• Grooming – manicures and pedicures can go a far way to feeling relaxed and to create a sense of being taken care of.
• Massage – many forms of massage are available today that can treat your body and contribute to a sense of well-being.
  What could you do on an emotional level?
• Hobbies – practice and maintain things you enjoy doing. Try out creative options, as exercising creativity is an important way to express feelings, thoughts and ideas that you’re not always sure you might have.
• Friends – spend enjoyable time with friends. Cook a meal, go out for dinner, relax by the pool. The idea is to feel nurtured and replenished by the interaction.
• Therapy and counselling – enter therapy as a way of dealing with stuff that you’ve wanted to sort out a long time ago. We all have issues and baggage and therapy can be a great way to deal with crises or long-standing issues. It’s also a great way to explore your self and to take care of yourself.
• Environmental changes – create a space in which you like to be. Paint your walls colours that soothe you, listen to music that relaxes you. Fill your space with things you feel contribute to your well-being.
• Pets – dogs and cats can bring immense joy and comfort.
• Balance – achieving balance in your life (including work, leisure, health and relationships) is a sign of good self-care

On a spiritual level – similar to emotional level – you could try out some of these:

• Meditation – for some people, this is a connection to God or to the universe; for some, it’s also a way of connecting inwardly and finding some peace and quiet.
• Religion – practice your religion, if you feel it can add something to your life. It is important to have a spiritual dimension to life, which amounts to some understanding that we are not alone in the universe and that there is something beyond us.
• Nature – be in the world of animals and plants, it helps to understand that we are part of a circle of life.

Self-care is an essential part of life and can take many, many forms. We all have to find what works for us and there is no recipe. Start small and be practical. Every bit counts.

Stress is the ‘wear and tear’ your mind and body experiences as you attempt to cope with a continually demanding and changing environment. Excessive, prolonged and unrelieved stress can have a harmful effect on your mental and physical wellbeing. It can manifest as recurrent infections, strained muscles, headaches, increased symptoms of anxiety (sweaty palms, palpitations etc) and irregularities in bowel movements, sleep, energy and appetite. If left unmanaged, it could trigger a variety of harmful lifestyle choices which may lead to chronic ill-health. But not all stress is negative. Some stress can have a positive effect by ensuring motivation and awareness, and providing stimulation needed to cope with challenging situations. Irrespective of the nature of the stress, it is vital to your complete wellbeing that you manage your stress. The benefits of managing stress include:

• Improved sleep patterns and quality of sleep;
• Increased physical and mental energy;
• Improved sexual drive;
• Improved concentration and memory;
• Improved sense of control over your life;
• Improved appetite and quality of nutrition;
• Decrease stress related health problems e.g. heart attacks;
• Improved appreciation for life and others around you;

Strategies and tips

You can start by following these easy tips and strategies:

• Slow down your breathing – Inhale and exhale slowly and deeply (e.g., inhale for a count of 5, hold, and then exhale for a count of five).  This works in two ways – it settles your energy and takes your focus away from the stress and anxiety provoking trigger. This is a very effective method to start with.
• Distance yourself - Imagine that you are watching yourself as someone else would, with friendly curiosity. Observe, uncritically, your emotions and sensations and reactions. This creates distance between you and your stress and helps you to take control and manage your stress – instead of the other way around!
• Press your feet into the floor - By doing this you shift your focus away from your mind (and the stress) and into your body. Imagine that you are a tree and your feet are the roots. “Plant” yourself firmly and blow tension out of your roots into the ground. Breathe in calm energy from the ground back up through your roots.
• Laugh - Be humorous!  Laugh at yourself and the stress! Laugh at the stress! Everyone can benefit from a bit more laughter.

Other strategies for managing your stress:

• Surround yourself with fun, positive and uplifting people;
• Hit the gym;
• Watch your diet (reduce your intake of caffeine, alcohol, nicotine, sugar, salt, and fat);
• Pamper yourself by going for a massage now and again;
• Take up meditation, Tai-chi or Yoga;
• Regular holidays and time away – active holidays or lazing on the beach not only reduce stress, but also give something to look forward to, itself important in reducing stress.
• Balance – this is the big key word. If work, leisure, health and relationships are in balance, the risk of stress becoming disastrous is minimized.

Here are some definitions, just to clarify things:

Substance: Any substance that is taken in and affects the way you feel, think, see, taste, smell, hear and behave. A substance can take many different forms and can be ingested, inhaled, snorted, inserted, drank, and injected.

Substance Use: This is defined as the act of using a substance either recreationally (irregularly) or habitually (regularly). This is usually without any significant harmful affects.

Substance Abuse: This term is used when substance use becomes a maladaptive pattern of repeated overindulgence, which has ongoing and harmful consequences for the health and wellbeing of the individual and those around them. Examples of such consequences include: (1) an inability to fulfil major obligations at work, school or home; (2) use in situations where it is deemed physically hazardous, like driving; (3) increase in legal problems, possibly for disorderly conduct; and (4) increase in social or interpersonal problems, like physical fights when under the influence.

Substance Dependence: This term is used there is clearly a lack of independence and self-sufficiency from a particular substance. Through repeated use there is an increase in tolerance or need for increased amounts of a substance to attain the desired effect, withdrawal symptoms when substance is not used, increased time spent in activities to obtain substances, withdrawal from most social and recreational activities, and continued use despite the presence of continued physical and psychological problems.

Effects: The effects experienced when taking a drug depends on the particular drug, the size of the dose, variations in pharmacological agents in the drug, chemicals used to manufacture the drug, possible contaminants present in the drug, the setting in which the drug is taken, the user’s expectations, past experiences with the drug, and the user’s personality.
 
Tolerance: This term describes when a person’s reaction to a particular substance decreases so that larger doses are required to achieve the same effect.

Withdrawal: This term describes the symptoms experienced after the cessation of, or reduction in, heavy and prolonged drug use.

Polypharmacy: This term is used in cases where three or more groups of substances are used repeatedly, and simultaneously, during the same 12 month period (for example simultaneous use of alcohol, cocaine and over-the-counter sleeping tablets).

We put together a PDF document, which lists most commonly used substances, with their effects (this document can be downloaded from our M2M Library HERE).

The Link between Substance Use/Abuse and STI/HIV Transmission

There is increasing evidence that drug use/abuse plays a direct and indirect role in the transmission of HIV (and other sexually transmitted infections). Research has shown the following:

• Impairment of judgement and decision-making;
• A decrease in inhibitions and increase in impulsivity;
• An increase in sexual desire and arousal;
• An increase in sexual risk-taking;
• An increase in number of sexual partners;
• Impairment of ability to enter into safer sex negotiation; and
• An increase in odds of engaging in unprotected sex. 

Traditionally, drug treatment and HIV prevention services were offered in isolation. However, there is now a move towards integrating these services and viewing drug treatment as a form of HIV prevention. As such, OUT is running a Play Safe Campaign. For more information call the Play Safe Co-ordinator on 012 344-5108.